The Last Breastfeeding

This past Sunday night was the last time I will ever breastfeed. I assume that most mothers (or fathers for that matter), regardless of if they breastfed or not,  could identify in some way to the “last time” of something with a child. I breastfed my first son, and the experience was a rollercoaster riddled with first time mom challenges. The first three months were hard, really hard. I was dealing with clogged ducts, super sore nipples and a fussy baby who never slept. I was exhausted, and felt like I was failing my son in some way. I sought out three lactation consultants (two in the hospital) and one weeks after I had gotten home. Every time I would get new advice as to what I was doing wrong or what might help make it less painful. I would feel optimistic after the visit, anxious to try out the new techniques, only to find myself back at square one within hours, crying, sore and feeling yet again like a failure.

I finally found someone who could help. Faith was my savior. A straight shooting lactation consultant with thirty-something years of experience. She is well known in the South Florida breastfeeding community. She didn’t sugar coat things, had no problem telling me everything I was doing wrong, and I could care less about her delivery. I just wanted her to help me, and she did. After three months of pretty much isolating myself at home, I started to attend Faith’s weekly class. I lived for those Tuesday mornings. It gave me a reason to get dressed and put on make-up and feel like a human being again. I got to listen to other moms and realized that they shared so many of the worries and struggles that I had been going through. I wasn’t a failure. I was a new mom trying the best I knew how. It was so healing to learn that I wasn’t alone.

I was able to exclusively breastfeed my son (no formula) until he was a year old. I remember that it was very emotional to wean him because I felt like I had worked so hard to get the place where breastfeeding felt natural and rewarding. I still dealt with some issues throughout that experience, but overall, I felt so blessed to be able to have that experience with my son.

When I got pregnant with my second son, I knew that I was going to try to breastfeed as well. My nipples were bleeding by day two (sorry if that’s too much information), so I called Faith right away. She came to my house the day after I was released from the hospital. Once again, she hooked me up. I am happy to report that this time, my experience was truly wonderful. Not one plugged duct or bleb (that’s like a nipple blister, so small yet so painful). After six weeks, I stopped pumping because I was the only one feeding him, and I had a freezer full of bags of milk. In the beginning, it’s hard because you are supposed to feed whenever baby wants milk. Sometimes that can be every hour or two, which is crazy. You can feel like the baby is attached to you 24/7, but eventually it really does become natural and convenient, and then you can actually breathe and enjoy it…the way you can magically calm your son when he’s hungry or tired, pissed off from a recent diaper change, or in pain from his first shots. Your heart swells when you smell his sweet head or feel his tiny fingers wrapped around your thumb. He makes the sweetest little sounds of contentment as he drinks, and as he gets older, he starts to look up at you and smile or reach up to play with your hair. These are the things I think of when I look in the mirror and realize that my breasts will never be the same. They are two cup sizes smaller than before I ever got pregnant and two three cup sizes smaller than when I was pregnant for the first time! They are deflated and gravity has had her way with them, but it has all been worth it.

As my little guy grew, I slowly began to cut out feedings…the first ones were the middle of the night feedings. After he turned one, he began to sleep through the night once I cut out those feedings. As the months rolled by, I was eventually down to one feeding…the one right before his bedtime. I kept making excuses to continue to breastfeed. It’s the only thing that calms him when he does wake up in a fit in the middle of the night, he’s got a cold, his teeth are still coming in. The truth was that I enjoyed it so much and didn’t want it to end. This was my last baby, my last nursing experience. That nightly feeding was incredibly special. Before I had started the weaning process, I used to bring my phone in the room and sometimes even read emails while he nursed. As the feedings became fewer and fewer, I realized that I need to savor every nursing experience because once it was over, that was it. I would never have it again. I stopped brining my phone in his room a couple of months before I fully weaned him, and I am so glad that I did.

So as the 18 month mark has gotten closer, and now that his teeth are pretty much all in, I decided that I needed to finally wean my son. I know that it’s supposed to be much more difficult to do after 18 months, and I didn’t want to find myself in a situation where he would be really upset not to be able to breastfeed. I just didn’t think I could handle the heartbreak of it, and I could tell that he was associating it with bedtime. He would say, “Night night and come and grab my shirt and pull on it, signaling that it was time to nurse. So I told myself that Sunday night would be my last night. We had our usual ritual. I held him as he nursed. He suckled (probably getting very little milk by this point), eyes open, one hand twirling the hair and the back of his head, running his fingers gently through my hair with the other hand. I leaned in several times and smelled his shampooed little head. He looked at me and smiled and giggled a bit. I cried throughout the nursing, thinking of how much I was going to miss this, how I would never have this experience ever again. After he nursed on both sides, it was time to end it. I held him for a while, stood up and swayed him back and forth , kissed him and put him in his crib with his glow seahorse. I said goodnight, quietly left his room, walked straight into my room and sat on the bed and sobbed.

Fortunately, he still likes to play with my hair before I put him to sleep. It’s not quite as effortless as it was when I was nursing him. He struggles to go down a bit more, but he has transitioned just fine. I try to find ways to continue the intimacy. I hold him and play with his hair. I am actually grateful that he sucks his thumb, so he’s just transitioned from my breast to his thumb. I think it would not have gone as smoothly if he didn’t have another soothing mechanism.

The “lasts” are brutal, especially when you don’t plan on having more children. I have an older son, so I know more now. I know how quickly it goes. I realize that my older son doesn’t look at me the way he did as a baby. He doesn’t need me the same or hug me the same. Every little kiss my youngest gives me is such a gift. Right now, he loves his mama unconditionally. He looks at me and shows such joy just at the sight of me. He runs to his father yelling “Dada, dada!” when he comes home from work. It is surely the best part of my husband’s day. He gives me open mouth kisses and says “mmmmwahhh!” He climbs up on my lap to cuddle when he’s sleepy, plops his thumb in his mouth, and rests his head on me. One day, and it’s not that far off, he won’t do these things. One day, I will cease to have a “baby.” My sons will always be my babies, of course, but they will talk back and roll their eyes and flinch when I hug them. One day they will love someone else, and I won’t be the number one girl in their lives.

It’s too painful to think of the future, thinking of all of these last moments that will one day become smaller in the rear view mirror. Right now, I need to remember to really take it all in. Live in the moment. Maybe there is a benefit to being an older mom. Perhaps if I was in my twenties, I wouldn’t think so much about the impermanence of time and life and childrearing. I might not appreciate all that I have quite so much. I might live thinking that there will always be time for this or that rather than, “this might be the last time.” Now that I am forty, I feel like I might not have as much time as I think. I try to live in the moment as much as I can.

 

 

Climbing back onto the wagon

I am ashamed that I have been MIA for over two weeks. I was busy planning my son’s fourth birthday party, and in the process, I totally fell off the wagon and was running on very little sleep. As a result, I feel pretty crappy now. I feel bloated and exhausted, and my mood has been teetering between emotional and down right loco. I don’t do well without sleep, and I’ve probably been up past midnight every night for the past two and a half weeks. I wake up around 5 some mornings to feed Greyson and am definitely up by 6-6:30 every morning, so it’s just not enough sleep for me. Add to that, poor eating and little exercise, and it’s just a recipe for depression.

I practically reverted back to old eating habits with the exception of eating less bread and pasta than normal. I’ve been baking cookies and dipping Oreos in chocolate and making homemade fondant…so you can imagine how easy it was for that Sugar Dragon to take hold of me again. It’s bad…really bad. I woke up most mornings so tired that I skipped bootcamp, and then I had a few obligations that prevented me from going, and then excuses, and before I knew it, I had not worked out in two weeks! That just sent me into a downward spiral mentally. I felt terrible about myself. As the guest list to Max’s party grew to over 100 people, my stress grew as well! This just exacerbated the problem.

Well, the party is behind me. It was chaotic but Max had a great time, so that’s really all that matters. This week, I’ve been clawing my way back from the trenches. I’ve been trying to clean up the house. Even though we had the party at a park, we might as well have had it at the house! After we brought back all the gifts and decorations from the party, the house looked like it had hosted a party. Plus, I had not really had the time to clean because I was so busy those couple of weeks. This week, I’ve also gone back to bootcamp despite being beyond tired. I’ve started prepping and planning food again. I didn’t really prep last week, and it was a disaster. I didn’t have time to make healthy meals during the day and grabbed what I could. I realized that I simply cannot be successful without proper prepping and planning. This week I finally made my homemade mayo and made a yummy tuna salad from the new Whole30 cookbook. I also cooked a bunch of ground beef to add to salads and breakfast during the week. I chopped all of my veggies and washed everything, so I’ve been doing much better at breakfast and lunch. Last night I made chicken meatballs (again from the Whole30 book) and ate them with roasted spaghetti squash.

I haven’t totally cleaned up my eating. I’ve still been snacking on some sweets (they are pretty much out of the house now), but I’m attempting to cut back on those too. I didn’t feel so much of a change when I did the Whole30 program, but I definitely feel a change when I start eating crap again. I feel more bloated and gassy and just don’t feel good about myself in general. Some of that is mental, but that still matters. If I feel (emotionally) fat and unhealthy, that affects my mood and my behavior. I felt happier on the program.

I’ve thought about doing another round, maybe a shorter round, but I’m not ready yet. For some reason, I don’t feel ready to give up my chocolate just yet.

So back to the party. I wanted to post some pictures. I have finally learned, after four years and five parties, that I need to take pictures of everything I make before the party. I always think that I’ll set everything up and then have time to take pictures before the first guest arrives. That like never happens. This time, we were running late to the park, and then I had to deal with wasps and a looming storm that produced wind gusts so strong they blew everything over. My centerpieces were destroyed before I got to take pictures of them. I was in such a panic to fix everything, and guests started arriving before I was completely set up. In the end, I had to let it go. I had to remind myself that it wasn’t about the balloons or centerpieces. It was about my son having a good time with his friends and family. However, after putting so much work into a party, I always end up feeling disappointed that I didn’t get good pictures of all of my work. Well, here is what I did get:

These were the cookies I made. I did dipped oreos and oreo pops, as well as sugar cookies. After my failed armored baymax oreos, I was happy in the end with all of the cookies.

Baymax sugar cookies

Marshmallow Baymaxes

My first fondant cake topper.

My cake topper on top of a Publix cake.

I printed out this bullseye from http://www.thenerdswife.com and the kids had fun trying to hit it with the Baymax Rocket fist.

I made felt masks for all of the kids to wear.

My centerpieces (a little roughed up from the winds).

After the 30, Reintroduction: Day 11

Today was kind of a total fail. I really went off plan. My husband was working all day, so my mom and I planned a trip to the mall with the boys. We went to a mall that we only go to every couple of months or so because it’s a bit of a drive and not as convenient as other malls. This mall is a special treat because it has some of our favorite stores: Pottery Barn, Athleta, Anthropologie, Crate & Barrel…and now Lululemon just opened there. I was excited to go in as I’ve only visited the other location once. I know that people rave about their athletic apparel, but I have yet to splurge on anything there. I have a couple of items from Athleta and love them, so I am sure that I would love me some Lululemon, considering I spend a great deal of time in workout clothes these days. We walked in the store, and the pretty colored tanks and sports bras and soft yoga pants made me want to work out. Alas, I walked out empty handed. I just can’t justify spending that kind of money on workout clothes right now when I’m trying to scrounge up money for Max’s fourth birthday party.

We had lunch at an Italian restaurant, and I ordered a chicken salad and ate just two small pieces of bruschetta bread. After lunch, I did have a chai latte with coconut milk. I’m sure the coconut milk was from a carton, which means I most likely had a nice dose of cancer causing carrageenan, but it sure tasted good.

The other beautiful store at this mall is the Godiva store. I have not entered a Godiva store in probably two months. I had every intention of eating chocolate today. I wasn’t even going to try to resist. After dealing with hellish behavior from my son in Anthropologie (the most boring store for a four year old), I definitely felt that I deserved some truffles. As soon as I walked into the store, the smell was like, well, coming home. Sad, I know. I bought three single pieces of chocolate. I probably could have done with just two.

After our exhausting trip to the mall, we met up with my husband and father at Bahama Breeze. I continued to make bad choices. I had chicken and mashed sweet potatoes and broccoli. Perhaps that doesn’t sound so terrible, but I could taste tons of butter. I also had my first glass of wine in months. It had been a really long day with the kids, and I told myself that I deserved it, and then my mom told me I deserved it. Let me tell you, it hit this lightweight hard! One glass and I was loopy. It was kind of nice. Oh, and did I mention the two conch fritters I had? Yeah, not great.

I continued to fail when I got home and decided to sculpt my first cake topper from homemade marshmallow fondant. In order to save money, I am attempting to make some items for my son’s cake. The theme is Big Hero 6, so I figured I could make my own Baymax. Here he is:

There was a ball of fondant left, and well, you can guess what happened to that. Why, Stacie, why?!!!

So I feel gross now. I feel bloated and my teeth feel like they are rotting from sugar, and I feel tired and on the verge of getting sick. Bleh! I really hope to do better tomorrow. I feel like I could have simply had two little Godiva truffles and been happy. I think I’d feel a lot better if I hadn’t indulged in everything else.

I did spend a portion of this morning planning my meals for the week and making a grocery list. I have picked out a few recipes from my new books, so I’m excited to try them out. I hope to get back on track. I really don’t want to fall back into my old habits. I want to be able to enjoy some of the things that I couldn’t have on the program (in moderation!), but I know that I can so easily fall back into old habits. I think that the question I need to constantly ask myself is, “Is it worth it?” I be that that true answer, 90% of the time, would be no. The truffles might have been worth it, but I really didn’t need the bread or the wine or the chai. I definitely didn’t need the ball of sugar. I am definitely a work in progress. I just don’t want to cancel out all of the progress I’ve made!

After the 30, Reintroduction Day 6

Today was a regular Whole30 day, so I stuck to my usual breakfast and lunch. For dinner, I tried a new pork recipe from http://www.stiritup.com:

http://stiritup.me/?p=2102

I forgot to take pictures of my meal until after we ate, so I only have a picture of the leftover pork. I made some yummy asparagus to go with it. My boys went nuts over the asparagus. I couldn’t believe it! My little guy threw a piece of pork and screamed at me because he wanted the asparagus instead! That is a total win in my book! It was so easy too, I just placed them on foil in a pan, tossed them in some ghee and sprinkled them with salt, pepper, thyme and a clove of chopped garlic. I popped them in the oven at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. They were mini asparagus, so you might need a little more time if you are using larger ones. Anyway, they were perfect.

I really enjoyed the pork, and the kids liked it too (eventually Greyson stopped throwing it and ate it!). My husband was not such a fan because he’s not really into sweet and savory. He didn’t like the cinnamon. The tumeric made it slightly spicy, so I just chopped off the outer edge for Greyson.

Today my bootcamp was canceled, and I spent the morning cleaning the house, so I didn’t get a workout in. I often find myself having to make the tough choice: clean the house, run errands, or work out. It’s very difficult for me to accomplish more than one thing because the morning whizzes by so quickly, and between fitting in Grey’s nap, preparing lunch for myself and him, diaper changes, and just picking up the mess from the morning, there just isn’t much time left before I have to pick up Max from school. I feel like I spend most of my days doing laundry, picking up toys and clothes, cooking and washing dishes. I never seem to get ahead of it, so getting to the dusting, vacuuming or mopping is a true challenge. I think it’s been over a month since I have mopped the hallway, so cleaning the house had to be priority number one today. I figure I got a workout in a sense…vacuuming, sweeping, and mopping. I still didn’t get to dust the furniture (which I really should do before cleaning my floors, but it is what it is), but at least I got rid of the dust creatures that were living under my son’s bed. Gross!

I’ve decided to do Whole30 for the next two days so that my gluten reintroduction can fall on Thursday, the day I lunch with my mom. I will have bread and pasta that day and see how bloated I can get! I am trying to figure out where to go from here, what can I live with, implement into my lifestyle for good. So far, I know that I can’t live without chocolate. Well, I can, but I don’t want to. I do know that if I eat too much, I get nasty gas. Surprisingly, I feel like I might be able to live without bread and pasta for most days. I have found that my craving for bread has kind of gone away, which is crazy. I am hoping it doesn’t return on Thursday. I would like to avoid it most days and just save it for special occasions. I find that I am perfectly happy eating marinara or meat sauce over zucchini zoodles or even rice. I’d like to keep my rice intake to a minimum, but I think I can tolerate it from time to time when I want something a little carby.

Yesterday I forgot to share some of my Mother’s Day goodies courtesy of my kids and hubby:

I’m excited to try out some new recipes next week!

Disclaimer: If you have a foot phobia, I would stop reading now!

My husband also got me this Amope pedi foot file. asked for it. It’s not like he was giving me a cruel hint. The truth is, I have total caveman feet. I mean, they are nasty because I always walk around the house barefoot, and I run and just don’t take care of them. I only get a professional pedicure like maybe two or three times a year. I don’t have the money or time to do it regularly. Anyway, I was totally excited to try it out tonight. So far, I’m pleased with the results. I am sure it will take regular use to get my feet looking less like dinosaur claws, but they already feel much softer. My mom got me this awesome lotion, and I put it on my feet after using the Amope:

So here’s a before and after:

Before

After

As you can see, my feet are not one of my best features. But, they get me around!

My husband also got me a stick blender, so that will come in handy when I want to quickly mix up sauces and stuff. Overall it was a pretty good mother’s day. I didn’t get breakfast in bed or sleep in bed for that matter, but I got to spend the day with my family and that’s enough.

After the 30, Reintroduction Day 3

I don’t know what happened today. I had every intention of eating totally Whole30 clean today, and then I showed up to my son’s Mother’s Day event at school. I had eaten my usual breakfast, even my hot cup of water with lemon and vinegar. I was good. I drop my son off at 9 am, and the event started at 10. I didn’t want to leave, so I rolled Greyson in the stroller to the fitness center where they have a little cafe. I ordered a coffee. They only had regular. I have not had regular coffee since before my first pregnancy, but I thought, one cup, I’ll be okay. I drank the cup, walked around a bit and made my way back to his classroom.

My son gave me the cutest picture (of me). On the back, he had answered questions about his mother (i.e. favorite color: blue, age: 69). Yes folks, my son thinks I am sixty-nine years old! The other moms sure had a good laugh at that. Most of them were perceived to be between the ages of 4 and 10.

And then the teacher passed around the treats the kids had helped make. Suddenly there were two small pieces of lemon bar, a cupcake with a strawberry on top, and two little oatmeal balls on plates in front of me. How do you tell your son, “looks great honey, thanks so much, but Mama is on a restrictive diet and can’t eat any of this.” Well, I avoided the cupcake, but I did eat the lemon bar and tiny oatmeal balls.

By the time I got home, I wasn’t feeling very well. At first I was certain that it was the coffee. But the feeling kind of stayed with me all day. For lunch, I did have my leftover breakfast and a banana. For dinner, I had to take the kids out for an emergency dinner because our fridge was totally cleaned out and my husband was stuck in traffic and unable to pick up food. So, I threw both pajama-clad kids in the car and headed to Panera. I had the strawberry poppyseed salad. I did have some of the dressing because I forgot to pack mine. I tried to remove most of the mandarin oranges because they aren’t fresh. I opted for an apple instead of the bread as my side. I did my best.

This evening I came down with a terrible headache. I don’t know what’s going on. I never had this even while on the program. I don’t know if it’s the caffeine or the little bit of processed food or grains. Perhaps I’m coming down with my husband’s cold. I just know that I don’t feel well. To top it all off, and I’m so ashamed to admit it, but I had some chocolate since I had already broken the clean eating for the day. That’s exactly what I’m not supposed to do! I am mad at myself for doing it because there was no reason to, and it was such a slip back into old habits. Oh well, I need to brush it off and do better tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to introduce gluten free grains. I have some gluten free oatmeal for the morning. I figure I’ll have some chicken and rice or quinoa for lunch. Not sure what I’ll eat for dinner. Hubs is making a meat sauce and eating it with pasta. I plan on eating it over zoodles. Perhaps I’ll have a few of the gluten free “healthy” cookies I bought for the kids or some corn chips. I’m not allowing myself any chocolate tomorrow!

Unfortunately, Sunday might be a bust. Mother’s Day is only once a year, so I’m going to allow myself to enjoy the food. I will try not to be a maniac, but I know I’ll have some chocolate, maybe even a mimosa…or two!

Whole30 Day 23

Today is my Mom’s birthday and thus the first actual holiday or celebration since I started Whole30. While we didn’t celebrate by going anywhere, the kids and I brought her one of these:

I don’t know if these are available outside of Florida, but good God, they are little cakes from Heaven. We brought her a mini marble cake. Usually, I could eat the whole thing, but I resisted and it was actually not as hard as I thought it would be.

Breakfast: Sweet potato hash with fried egg

Lunch: Spinach topped with chicken, hearts of palm, pecans, cherry tomatoes, Tessame dressing.

Dinner: Another successful recipe tonight! Rosemary mustard salmon from Liverightbehealthy.com:

http://liverightbehealthy.blogspot.com/2013/03/rosemary-mustard-salmon.html

Everyone liked it, so I can add this one to the list. I also did another big batch of roasted veggies (SO GOOD!). There were some veggies left, so I’ll eat those for breakfast. I also made my first batch of cauliflower rice. I pulsed it in the food processor and then sauteed it with a little coconut oil, scallions, salt and pepper. It was okay, but I think I need to add more seasoning next time. I wasn’t totally in love with it.

Snack: Lara bar, apple, strawberries

Thoughts:  I forgot to mention that I started breaking out a couple of days ago. It’s most likely due to stress and that time of the month than the diet, but I can’t say that I have noticed a change in my skin. I know that some people mention that their skin clears up. As far as the gas, I added nuts back in today, and I’ve been fine, so I’m not sure what’s up. I didn’t have almond butter though. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try the almond butter and see if it returns. Another bright note, Max earned his sticker today, so that’s progress. If he earns one for the next three days, he gets ice cream on Friday. None for me :(.

Whole30 Day 22

After an emotional day yesterday, I actually got the best sleep I have had in weeks. The kids slept better than usual. Both slept straight through past 6:30 am, so I actually got like six solid hours of sleep. I really needed it. It helped me start the day in a more positive way. I took Max to the doctor to evaluate the cough and congestion he has had for three weeks. I mentioned his behavior to the doctor and asked if she had any referrals. She didn’t, and she didn’t seem too concerned, chalked it up to typical three year old behavior. She did send us home with a prescription for medicine for his nebulizer and encouraged me to seek out a therapist if I wanted some tips or just to hear that my son is not abnormal.

I’ve set him up for an evaluation at school, and we started our chart today (sadly, he didn’t get a sticker). Maybe tomorrow. Other than hitting his brother in the head with a large plastic dinosaur, he’s been better today. Like the Whole30, one day at a time.

Breakfast: I made a big batch of my sweet potato hash with fried egg.

Lunch: Last night, I marinated some chicken and cooked it in the skillet pan for lunch. I was very pleased with this recipe for Green Fajita Chicken:

Green Fajita Chicken

The only thing I would do differently is season the chicken with salt and pepper before throwing it in the bag of marinade. So, I threw some pieces of chicken over my spinach salad, added some beets and cherry tomatoes, leftover butternut squash and Tessame dressing (the key to this dressing is shaking it up like a mad woman before using).

 

Dinner: Leftover Turkey Pico de Gallo.

Snack: Banana, strawberries, pear

Thoughts: I really do feel like I am in the home stretch now. I am starting to worry a bit about what will happen after day 30. I don’t want to fall back into old habits. That’s my biggest fear. I guess I’ll worry about it on day 31. Right now, I’m saying goodbye to day 22! Just over a week left! I’ve got this.

Whole30 Day 18 (Tiger Blood, where are you?)

So tired today! I woke up with a headache and am ending the day with one. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s due to the stress of the past couple of days. Stress is a hell of a thing, and I truly believe it can do all sorts of physical damage.

Today I looked at the Whole30 timeline again (http://whole30.com/2013/01/whole30-timeline/):

According to the timeline, I’m supposed to be energetic this week and experience the so-called “tiger blood,” yet I felt more tired today than I have all week. What was interesting is that under Day 8-15, the timeline says, “…this phase gets really intense and for some people. This is the part of the program where our minds try to drive us back to the comfort of the foods we used to know.” That was so true for me. Last week, I was bored and wanted to eat normal again. I had expected it to be easier than week one but definitely found it to be more intense.

Breakfast: Last batch of my sweet potato hash with sausage and eggs.

Lunch: I chose Sheila’s Chicken & Avocado salad from the Cheesecake Factory menu. I asked for it dry and without the tortilla strips. It was pretty good, though I’m sure with the avocado and cashews it was super caloric.

Dinner: Leftover beef stew

Snacks: banana with almond butter & coconut shavings, Lara bar

Thoughts: I’m gassy again today, so my guess is that it’s due to nuts or the Lara bar. I am going to cut them out tomorrow and see if I notice a difference. I just finished cooking roasting some beets and butternut squash so that I’ll have food tomorrow. I’m making a real effort not to waste anything because buying all this healthy stuff sure can get expensive! I’m thinking that I should check out Costco and see if I can save some money that way. My husband hasn’t complained yet 🙂

Whole30 Day 16 (My kids almost made me throw in the towel)

Today, for a good moment, I wanted to say “to hell with this.” It wasn’t a craving or that I was hungry or missing bread. Today was a hard day, one of those days when your patience is spread thinner than paper. Kids will do that, especially my dear sweet Max. He was born challenging. I remember hearing him screaming at the nurses’ station while they gave him a sponge bath. It was the first day of his life. We had only just met, but I already knew his scream. I looked at my mom and said, “that’s him screaming.” She laughed and went to check. She came back and nodded her head and told me that he was the only one screaming. The other babies were fine. He didn’t sleep more than two hours at a time for a year, fought every nap and continues to do so. He was not a normal baby.

I remember when he was maybe 18 months old. He was climbing on top of all of his toys and table and chairs. I kept telling him no, and he looked at me and did it anyway. I started by removing the chairs from the room, then the table. Eventually, every item had to be removed from the room. All that was left were a few small things and some books. This not-even-two-year-old child grabbed a book, placed it on the floor and marched his little feet on top of that book and looked at me defiantly. Enough said. He had to have the last word…no matter what.

Every year, I find myself questioning, “When will this phase pass?” I think I now need to accept the fact that while there are indeed phases of increased difficulty in all children (i.e. terrible twos, treacherous threes), it’s just my son’s personality. He takes a difficult stage to the nth degree. He is a true Gemini. He can be sweet as honey, “I love you so much mama,” “this song is lovely,” “I love Greyson 1069.” He can also be plain ol’ nasty. He makes me question my parenting skills on a daily basis, and sometimes I get really down on myself because I feel like I should be dealing with him better. I have tried different approaches…talking calmly, using a stern and scary voice, ignoring him, acting silently and firmly, sympathizing…I hate to admit it, but even yelling and once I did smack his bottom only to have him slap me across the face. Nothing really works with him when he is in a state.

Today, he had tantrum after tantrum, fits of rage, angry words. He was just ugly. I had to put him in his room three times, and he lost tv and his bedtime book. At the end of a day like this, I feel sad. I feel defeated. AND I FEEL LIKE I DESERVE A GLASS OF WINE! Or a piece of chocolate…okay, a bottle of wine and chocolate bar.

But alas, I’m not this program, and I have made a commitment to myself, and I cannot let a day like today, unfortunately a kind of day that I will likely have again, ruin my hard work. So, with all of that said, on to the details of today’s Whole 30 experience:

Breakfast: I made a huge batch of my usual so that I can reheat it for the next two days (sweet potato, sausage, onion…you know the rest by now.

Lunch: Grilled chicken topped with the marinara sauce from last night’s dinner.

Dinner: Skillet chicken with stewed tomatoes, onions, garlic and peppers.

So, dinner was a new recipe from eatathomecooks.com (http://eatathomecooks.com/2012/08/skillet-chicken-peppers-tomatoes.html). The recipe called for the chicken to be marinated in a soy sauce. Since soy is a no no and I didn’t feel like using the coconut aminos, I searched for a Whole30 friendly marinade. I used the following recipe from planks, Love & Guacamole (http://www.planksloveandguacamole.com/2014/08/i-am-all-about-flavor-when-i-prepare.html):

Sauce/Glaze

2 tbsp ghee, melted

2 tbsp lemon juice

1 tsp sea salt

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp onion powder

1 tsp granulated garlic

1 tsp dried thyme

It’s listed as a sauce, but I used it as a marinade, and it was super good. I highly recommend bookmarking this page. There are some great recipes for sauces and dressings. I served the chicken alone for myself with a side of broccoli. The rest of the family ate it with rice. Everyone liked it, so that’s another win, another recipe to add to the rotation.

So, I was really craving a bit of this:

Who ever thought rice could look so good?

Snacks: Strawberries, Banana with almond butter & shaved coconut, cashew bar.

Thoughts: I think I put down enough “thoughts” at the beginning of this post. “Rant” is more like it. I am feeling gassy tonight. I think it’s because of the cashew bar. It’s the only thing I haven’t had before, and I’ve always suspected that I get gassy if I have too many nuts. Perhaps cashews affect me more than the pecans. I feel beat. Instead of wine, I’m going to try to enjoy a cup of green tea and pray that tomorrow is a better day.

Will I ever sleep again?

One of the many pitfalls of having young kids when you’re old (i.e. Your forties) is that you really miss your sleep.

That single line above was the only line that I wrote under this post titled “Will I Ever Sleep Again” on april 8th. In fact, I just saw this titled draft and decided to open it to see what I had written. I actually don’t even remember starting it! That is just plain old scary. I must have had a bad night with the kids and decided I should write an entry about sleep, or the lack of sleep as a parent to two young kids. I’m most certain that I had an idea of what I wanted to say, perhaps it was something clever, but probably not. No matter, whatever my point was going to be, it is completely lost on me now because I can’t remember what I ate yesterday, much less an inspired blog entry that popped into my head but never made it onto the paper (or computer screen).

I know that I’ve been meaning to do a post about turning 40, but it seems like I never have the time to really sit down with a clear mind and write anything remotely eloquent or funny. I have read many blogs by moms that are so witty and well-written, and I like to think that maybe I could do something like that. I used to love to write…short stories, poetry, journal entries. Teachers told me that I was a good writer, but I also remember that I needed to really sit quietly with myself to write. No distractions, just me alone with my thoughts. I don’t know how these moms do it. How do they find the time to form a clear thought without all of the other thoughts rushing in…like the grocery list that I’m forming in my head all week, or my list of chores I need to get done, or the papers I need to fill out for camp registration, or the wet load of laundry that’s been sitting in the wash for three hours, or the pot of stew on the stove that needs to be put away, or the mountain of dishes that need to be washed, or the…well, you get the idea. My head is so flooded with lists and mommy things, that it is really difficult to hold on to a complete comprehensible thought. I am so scattered.

I also wonder how these women find the time. I have to write after the kids have gone to bed, and I usually have so many other things to do or I’m so behind on my television shows, that I blow it off. I suppose I’m not dedicated enough. Like now, for instance, I want to finish this post about never finishing posts, but I’m just so tired. My brain hurts, and all I want to do is sit on the couch in front of the television for an hour because it’s the only time I have for myself…the only time I have to just sit and be alone.with.my.thoughts. I feel like I have things to write, but in order to get the words to come out right, to lay them down in a way that is interesting to read, I would have to really use my brain, and this mom’s brain is tired. It never shuts off, and I just want to give it a little love, a little rest. I suppose if blogging was my job, I would set aside the time to do this right. Maybe I’m not really cut out for writing something that people other than myself might actually read. Maybe these other moms find that the words come easy because they are natural wordsmiths and witty things just fall out of their mouths. I used to be funny, I think. I used to be a good writer. I used to be an artist and a teacher.  I used to be a lot of things before being a mom became my full-time job.

Now I’m at the point in this post where I don’t know how to end it. This is the point where you want to wrap things up with something cute and clever, a pretty bow on the whole package. I got nuttin’! No bow, no clever line to conjure a chuckle after the period. But I do really have that laundry to put into the dryer, and it truly has been there for three hours, so I need to end this post.